Two things happened on December 17th: Jules died and Willa lived. Willa's survival was no sure thing. When we drove her from the birth center to the hospital, the doctors rushed her to surgery, just like they do on television, shouting "go, go, go." After everyone ran...
Today is what Willa and I call “Jules’ Day,” the day of the month when Jules was born and when he died. He would have been eleven months old today and I miss him dearly. Willa was the first to say, “I miss Jules,”after we...
On Father’s Day, I packed up Jules’ nursery for our move to North Carolina. It was an ironic act, or perhaps a symbolic one: I am now the kind of father who is tending to an empty crib. We have been returning to the world slowly...
When I stood to speak at Jules memorial, I was hollow as a reed. Sadness lapping only at my edges, like a murky pond; even so, enough to make my voice shake. Willa, fellow reed, put her hand on my back to offer support. So too I offered my hand to her when she gave...
Three weeks after Jules died, the week Willa's eyesight began to return, we decided to make a schedule. The proceeding few weeks had a structure of their own, taken up as they were with nursing shift changes, ER visits, medication regimens, and, I suspect, hugely...
We sometimes imagine our lives as though we are conductors of a locomotive, traveling through the countryside of our life as the crossties pass uniformly below. At intervals, we may flip the switch at a crossroads, moving ourselves onto new tracks headed towards a...
If you told me that my most precious memories would be those where I held my dead child, I wouldn't have believed you. I couldn't have believed you. For, if you told me that my firstborn son would die — like the cursed children of the Pharaoh's Egypt — it would have...
Time is hurtling us inexorably forward. Each second - minute - hour - day - week - month is taking us further and further from the time when we could at least hold Jules, feel his skin on our skin, savor the touch of his downy soft hair. We are powerless in the...
For the last three weeks, much of the attention in our household has been focused on bodily matters, as Willa continues to mend physically and has been slowly recovering her eyesight. Her vision is almost back to normal, but is still blurry in her left eye. The...
I want to say thank you to all of you who have been sending cards, emails, texts and messages on social media. Each one, in every form received, has been read, and brought us comfort. Many have also brought us to tears and have been an aid to us in grief. Even though...