Our beloved baby boy, Jerome Louis Swenson-Lengyel (Jules), died as Willa birthed him at 10:57am on Friday, December 17th. Willa went into labor the previous evening and she had been birthing him with exceptional grace. Jules had been healthy, strong and active, but during the penultimate stage of labor, Willa suffered a catastrophic and extensive spontaneous uterine rupture. Despite extensive efforts to resuscitate him following an emergency C-section, Jules died before being able to take his first breath.

For several hours on Friday, as I held Jules in my arms, Willa was in severe danger of dying as well. Spontaneous uterine ruptures are vanishingly rare, no midwife, nurse, or doctor of the dozens who cared for Willa had seen more than one in their entire careers. They are extremely dangerous to both the baby and the birthing person. 

I am grateful beyond words that Willa survived. After 24 hours in the ICU, she has had an incredibly speedy recovery, and we returned home from the hospital Monday night. Her bodily health has continued to improve in the last few days. Her strength astounds me.

As you know, Jules was a long awaited and deeply loved baby. His conception felt like a miracle, coming just days before we were scheduled to begin IVF treatment, following four years of trying to conceive and a previous miscarriage.

Jules was named for Willa’s father Jerome, who died in 2009, and for my Great Auntie Edna Louise and Great Uncle Lou. Willa wanted his nick-name to be Jules like his uncle Jed, who goes by a contraction of his full name, Jerome Edward. (She was very firm on that.) 

We were able to spend the last four days holding Jules in our arms together at the hospital, mourning him, and singing and praying over his body. Several close friends from our church were with us and our parents were able to fly out from the west coast to be with us as well. It was a blessing to spend this time with Jules and to share him with our parents. Many other friends and family have sent love from a distance as well.

I was so looking forward to getting to know this little being and watching him grow into his own person — now that future has been foreclosed. 

Here are a few things we do know to be true of Jules. In the last few months, as he grew, he was incredibly active in Willa’s womb. In the last few weeks, he liked to put his back on Willa’s right side and would often push his little foot out at the top of his mama’s belly (“turning her into a unicorn,” as I described it). Jules had Willa’s beautiful strawberry blond hair and the sweetest little nose. His fingers were long and his second toes were bigger than his first, like mine. He was satisfyingly plump at 7 pounds, 13.9 ounces and 20.5 inches long. His skin was soft and his body was covered with fine hair, including beautifully delicate eye lashes. In a potential early sign that he was going to be a rebel, he refused to leave the womb on his due date, and his little nails were long as a result.

There is so much more that was true of him when he died that we do not know. He never opened his eyes, so we do not know if they were brown (like mine) or blue-gold (like Willa’s). We don’t know if he was right handed or left handed. If he would be tall like his grandfathers and uncles, or short like his mama and papa. 

And of course there are a million other possibilities about his life that will never be realized. Maybe he would have been an artist like his uncle Luke and his grandma, or a doctor like his uncle Nick and grandpa, or a scientist like his aunt. Perhaps he would have been a socialist like his father or a theologian like his mother, or eschewed politics and religion altogether. We will never find out, and that grieves us greatly. 

All we know is that we love him beyond measure and we miss him already.

We are so grateful to our friends and family who have been so loving and generous in helping us prepare to welcome Jules into this world. We know we will continue to need your love as we mourn Jules’ death.

We welcome your messages, calls, and cards. Though, as we are in a time of mourning, we will be limiting our use of technology, and we may be slow to get back to you.

A number of people have asked if there are ways they can honor Jules’ memory.

In our grief, we also remember that maternal and infant mortality in this country and around the world tracks with economic and racial inequality. Many mothers and their babies, particularly mothers of color, low-income mothers, and mothers in the global south, die everyday from lack of access to quality, equitable, and respectful care in their local community.

If you would like to make a donation in honor of baby Jules, Willa, or to stand in solidarity with marginalized mothers, infants, and families in the US and around the globe, we invite you to make a contribution to Every Mother Counts, an organization that supports 29 programs in 9 countries. Every Mother Counts prioritizes funding on-the-ground groups that are led by women and people from the communities they work in. A donation of any amount is meaningful to us.